Is it always me?
by Lily Nicolson
Summary: "Would you prefer me dead?" I yelled. "What kind of a question's that Georgia? Of course I would!" I couldn't take it any more.
1. Blubbing Gee's POV

4:00pm

Just nearly dyed my hair with mascara. I'm having a total ditherspaz because the luuurve god is supposed to meet moi today. Jools came back, looking confuzzled.

"Gee, mon petite pally?"

Why is Jools having a nervy b?

"Oui."

"Erm...well..."

"Spit Ellen out, for Sandra's sake!"

She said at about 300 miles an hour, "The barmy army are here, minus the laugh, Robbie's here to pick up the Wet One, but there's no sign of the luuurve god."

5:00pm

Sitting in my bed of pain, crying. I did the hip swing, flickey hair fandango, but our friend Julia was indeedy correct. There was no sign of Masimo.

So, moi wasn't feeling sehr gut anyway. Then I saw him. And Emma. I started blubbing. I got a picture. That's when I heard,

"What's up, Kittykat?"

And I ran.


	2. Dave the Unlaugh is back Dave's POV

**4:30pm**

I saw Kittykat walking home blubbing. See seemed to be more upset when I asked her what's going on.

**5:30pm**

Beating down Kittykat's door. She will not let Jack the Biscuit in. I can only presume it's something I've done.

**6:00pm**

She's in the sitting room, still crying. I mouthed through the window, "Please let me in."

**6:30pm**

Finally!

"So, Kittykat, what's the problem?" I ask casually. Her mascara's running, she looks like a clown. I had to hold back a laugh.

"Well," she gulped. Why is Kittykat so nervous to tell me? She's never nervous with me around. Must be because I'm so utterly gorgey...

"You're not at all modest about it are you?" said Kittykat. Bollocks. I didn't realise Kittykat was listening. Mores the point, I didn't know I was saying all that. She's cleverly avoiding talking about why she looks like a clown.

"Kittykat, tell me why you look like a clown. And, while you're at it, why have you got half of Boots makeup on your face?" Kittykat looked completely bemused.

"The luuurve god was supposed to pick moi up from Stalag 14. He didn't turn up, so I thought it was probably the band. That's why there's all the makeup. I didn't see him for most of the journey. Then I heard a rustle in the bush two streets down. I thought Angus had finally got that bloody poodle, so I edged forward carefully. Then I saw him. Hiding behind a bush. Snogging Emma's face off." I thought I was going to explode.

"Georgia, don't be so fucking stupid. Emma wouldn't so that to me. Just because you're fucking jealous. I expected better from you."

"But I've got a..." I cut her off.

"I'm going, Georgia. I don't want to talk to you if all you're going to do is try and split me and Emma up. Bugger off." And with that, I slammed the door.

As Georgia would say, Dave the Unlaugh is back.


	3. Would you prefer me dead? Gee's POV

7:00pm

So that's it. No-one cares anymore. The Ace Gang have no sense of community, just attached to their boyfriends. Mutti's never in, Vati's always out pratting around with the baldy-o-gram, Libby doesn't want to sleep in my bed anymore, Angus spits at me. Dave hates my guts, and I caught Masimo snogging Emma.

There's no room for me in life anymore.

Phoned Dave. He shouted at me again. I said something like, "Would you prefer me dead?

"Yes."

And with that I gathered all the pills in the house, ate them all and collapsed.


	4. So bloody stupid Dave's POV

19th August 7:00am

Phoned Rollo.

"Rolland?"

"Do not call me Rolland, it is tres tres uncool." Normally I'd comment on the fact he said 'tres tres' but I'm having a complete nervy b so I left it uncommented. Even Rollo noticed that. After a pause he said, "Aren't you going to take the mickey out of me then?"

"No, as I'm having a complete nervy b about a phone call I've just had."

"C'mon, tell me. What's the worst you've done?"

"I think I've killed Kittykat." There was silence on the phone. "Rollo?"

"Be straight with me mate, what's the worst you've done?"

"I told you. I think I've killed Kittykat."

"I'm coming right over, then we can devise a plan." And he hung up on me.

7:30am

"Kittykat phoned me last night. At that point I thought she was trying to split me and Emma up. I don't think that now. She was going to say something else but I cut her off. She phoned me later and asked if I would prefer her dead. I said yes. Her family are away on a cruise, she could have been dead for hours. We need to go to her place immediately. I've tried ringing eleven times but she won't pick up."

7:35am

At Gee's house. I've rang the doorbell nineteen times, Rollo's shouting and generally not helping. I rang the ace gang and barmy army and Tom phoned Robbie. There's a little congregation outside Kittykat's house.

8:00am

Robbie managed to get through the door. We all ran in. No-one in the hall, living room, her bedroom, Libby's room, her parents room and the bathroom. I was first in the kitchen. Georgia was laying seemingly dead on the floor. Everyone else came in, but were silent. I broke the silence.

"Why did I have to be so bloody stupid?" I wailed. Robbie put his arm around me.

"It's not your fault, mate." He said

"But it is." I said, tears already streaming down my cheeks.


	5. I was becoming a laugh Gee's POV

**_An eternity later_**

_I ran through the long grass. Everything was gorgey, the sun shone bright and the birds tweeted in the sky. I looked vair marvy, in a white dress, long bright blonde hair and white pumps. I was vair hot, so when I came across a little stream, I dabbled my toes in the water. Then, I continued my running. I came across my town that I used to live in. I couldn't bear it, everyone would hate me here now. I forced myself to at least walk through the town. Almost immediately, a hand snaked around my waist from behind. I couldn't believe it! The man who had hated me for years, everyone's favourite comedian. Dave the Laugh. He gave me a kiss on the cheek and said,_

"_Hello, gorgeous. It's been a while. I'm trusting that you remember me?"_

"_Dave! How could I forget you?" I couldn't tell him just how much I'd missed him, how I frequently remembered him every day, how I longed for Emma to disappear, so it could be the laugh and me._

"_Ahh, I'm the one and only, I know. Come on, Kittykat." Kittykat! How long had it been since he'd called me that? How many nights had I cried myself to sleep, longing for his hand in mine?_

_We ran down the streets together. We pulled up outside a familiar house, and I remembered its occupant. Jas._

_Dave rang on the doorbell. Tom came to the door._

"_Oh my god! You've found Gee!" Tom yelled, giving me a huge hug. It was nearing night time now, and I suddenly realised I had nowhere to go. Mutti, Vati and Libby died four years ago, a car accident which made me an orphan. I wouldn't go to anyone else. I'd been sleeping rough for all that time. Jas disturbed my inner rambling by coming downstairs._

"_What's going on?" She yawned. Then she recognised me. "Gee!" She said. She hugged me tightly, crying into my shoulder. "I thought I'd never see you again!" She sobbed. She disappeared inside, and within three minutes I was in the middle of a group hug of the ace gang and barmy army._

"_Hmm, we must celebrate this tomorrow." RoRo declared, stroking her fake beard. Everyone disappeared soon after, agreeing to go out clubbing. The Dylans were playing!_

"_Okay then, Kittykat. I'll escort you home. Where do you live now?" I blushed and bit my lip._

"_What's the matter, Kittykat?" He asked_

"_I don't have a home." I said._

"_What?" He was vair confuzzled._

"_I don't have a home." I repeated. "Mutti, Vati and Libby died in a car accident, I've been sleeping rough for four years."_

"_Wow, Kittykat. I'm... I'm so sorry. Come on."_

"_Hornmeister, where are we going?" I asked. His face split into a huge grin, it was clear he hadn't been called that in a long time._

"_You're meeting my parents. They'd love to meet you. I'm sure they wouldn't mind giving you a home. My sisters will just think of you as a new sister. It'll be great." Blimey. I was becoming a laugh._

* * *

A.N. This is supposed to be what's going on in Gee's mind while she's in a coma. The factual side of things will come from Dave the Laughylaugh.

p.s. Anything in italics is what Gee's thinking while she's in a coma. It may be a bit weird

R&R Enjoy x


	6. I'll never see her again! Dave's POV

_**20**__**th**__** August 11:00am**_

Mutti has brought me to the hospital. She said I have to come, as it was partly my fault that Kittykat is here. I had to retell the entire fandango to her, because when I went home yesterday she caught me bawling my eyes out.

_12:00pm or am, I don't know but it's lunchtime you fules._

Whispering to Gee. Telling all about everything. The doc says she might forget things. I have taken it upon myself to whisper to her every day. Emma's starting to get seriously pissed off, saying that I should be spending time with her, not the one in bloody hospital. What kind of a bitch says that?

_12:30pm_

Telling her all about red herrings, red bottomosity and the call of the horn. She's got so many tubes running through her - she looks like part of the machinery instead of a human.

_1:00pm_

The barmy army and the ace gang have arrived. They looked startled to see me here, whispering in a comforting way. They're taking it in turns telling her something about themselves and something about her. It's RoRo's turn. She's telling her about the green hair episode. And Sven, because Sven can't actually talk English. Jas'n'Tom talked about her red bottom again, and said they liked nature. No surprise there then. Rollo dragged me to one side, asking about the Emma situation. I was in the middle of a complicated rigmarole, when a familiar figure approached the door. The bloody Handbag Horse.

Jools was at the door first.

"Well if it isn't Masimo HH Scarlotti. Let's put this simply. What the fuck are you doing here, you lying cheat?"

Did I mention I told the ace gang about the snogging scenario? I also said I believed Gee, which means they automatically took on board what I said.

I backed Jools up.

"Yeah, the sod who snogged my fucking girlfriend when I was going through a bad patch. Fuck off, bastardio."

He ignored me.

"I came to see the vair bellisima miss Georgia."

Jools yelled so loudly that Martians could hear, "It's your bloody fault she's in here in the first place!" and burst into tears. I raised my eyebrows at Rollo in a 'come over here she's your bloody girlfriend and you've been useless so far' sort of way and he came over here to quell Jools' sobs.

And then it happened.

I was casually pushing the Handbag Horse out the door because he was upsetting everyone when he went and bloody punched me and broke my nose! Fottuto idiota! When I got back to Gee's room, the rest of the ace gang and barmy army had left, and the Handbag Horse banished, so I went over and continued my whispering.

Once again, the unthinkable happened. Kittykat's heart stopped. Doctors and nurses started running round me. I called Mutti.

"Mutti, take me home."

On the phone to Robbie.

"So it just stopped and now..." I drifted out.

"And now," Robbie prompted.

"And now she's dead, I'll never see her again!" I cried.

* * *

Poor Dave! Masimo really is a Fottuto idiota isn't he? And for those not as good at Italian as me, that means 'Fucking idiot!'

R&R, if you do I'll carry on. I expect at least one review, and thank you to

RoRo the Viking Bride (I know, confusing isn't it)

for her lovely reviews.

RoRo the Viking (not Bride) xxoo


	7. My Laugh Gee's POV

_The next century_

_Moi is walking down the aisle on a vair gorgey satin dress. This day, I've waited so long for. The ring on my finger, the kiss on my lips. Why has it taken so long, so many disruptions to finally create the perfect day? The lily tucked behind my ear, and my groom. Stood opposite me, bearing a smile that touches his eyes._

_Dave._

_The curly eyelashes, the spiky hair, the sparkly eyes. He stood their, looking marvy, with his best man beside him. I wasn't sure whether it was a good idea to have Rollo as a best man, but the laugh insisted. Jools was my maid of honour, the rest of the ace gang bridesmaids. Friends and family filled the sands of the beach (I know, a wedding on a beach) and little Florence as flower girl. Tom was the usher, I didn't trust any of the others to film the wedding. Obviously, this wedding was different. I couldn't hang off Vati's arm. So instead, my maid of honour escorted me down the aisle. I didn't cling to her though, that would of looked weird and awkward. Jas was in charge of the choir, who sang Dave's choice of song. My favourite song. How did he know I loved the song Yellow? It's a beautiful song to have sung for your wedding day. Much better than any death march Emma would have chosen. Instead of family in the audience, I had all my close friends from uni. As my witnesses, RoRo and Sven. Bad idea, right? Wrong. Sven's English has improved, and they seemed the perfect people to approve our wedding. Everything was perfect. I do says moi. I do says the laugh. The beautiful laugh. The one who made the insecure 14 year old me laugh until my sides ached. The one who adopted me into his family. My best friend, my lover, my soulmate…_

_My Laugh._

* * *

If anyone would like me to do fanfics of these short stories, I will do. Just review, tell me which one's your favourite and I will write a story about it

RoRo the Viking xxoo


	8. You can't have everything Dave's POV

21st August 12:00pm

So that's it. Kittykat's gone. The Ace Gang are preparing the funeral. Gee's Mutti, Vati and Libby died as well. I heard it was something to do with a car crash. At least Georgia didn't have to live through that. It would have broken her heart. Like I did.

I can't bear it. Whenever I think about it (which, can I point out, is all the time), it brings tears to my eyes. I have nightmares about it at night. What was I playing at? I basically killed my favourite female in the universe. I'll never find another Kittykat. Emma isn't right for me. She's too sensible, too boring. I need someone mental, who talks rubbish half the time. Another Georgia. They say everyone in the world has a double right? I reckon they're talking bollocks.

1:00pm

Sitting with the ace gang and barmy army, trying to pick three flower garlands (you know, words spelt out with flowers) for the funeral. The barmy army are being boring, they're just picking one that spells 'Georgia'. The ace gang want one that says 'mad, in a brilliant way' or 'Titania' from when they did 'A Midsummer night's dream'. Jools is refusing to let me have my own garland. She wants everyone to have a say in what the final one says. I don't want to have to fight with a girl, so I'm doing 'I'll kill you if you don't help me' eyes at the barmy army, but in particular, Rollo.

1:30pm

Barmy army are still not helping. I'm going to have to kill them in a minute.

1:45pm

"FOR SANDRA'S SAKE JULIA! STOP BEING SO STUBBORN!" Bollocks. I meant to say that inside.

"Nein."

"Jools, for Christ's sake, you've been arguing for three quarters of an hour now! Just let him have the bloody garland!" Jas suddenly piped up. I think she's as bored of the row as me.

2:00pm

Fina-bloody-lly Jools has let me have the garland. Isn't it obvious what I'm going to write on it? Kittykat!

I wish Gee wasn't dead. But, I suppose, you can't have everything.


	9. I love you Jools' POV

22nd August 1:00pm

More funeral preparations. I'm not complaining, Gee is one of my best mates and I'm so sad she's gone and everything, but it's all the Ace Gang will talk about. It's all music and garlands and songs...

Which reminds me. Dave wrote a song for them to play at Gee's funeral. It's sooo sad. I want to cry every time I hear it. That's all Jas sings to herself. It used to be Taylor Swift or Jason Mraz or someone, but now all she sings is that song. She said it helps let her get closer to Gee. The song goes like this:

I want to tell you I love you,

I really do care.

You're long gone now,

Still I despair.

I was upset,

Torn in two.

But still tears fall on my,

Photo of you.

I was crazy,

Out of my head.

I will never forgive myself,

Now that you're dead.

I should have listened,

Not jumped to the end.

I realise now,

On you I depend.

You know I miss you,

I still love and care.

I say this now,

It's really not fair.

I suppose this is my way,

Of saying goodbye.

I'll smile laugh and sing,

But inside I'll cry.

I love you,

I really do.

But remember one thing,

I'll never forget you.

* * *

What do ya think of me song? Like it? Hate it? R&R

Non lezzie hugs

RoRo the Viking xxoo


	10. Easy Peasy Rollo's POV

23rd August 11:30am

So, I am officially a nerd. I'm starting up this diary... well, because... all the lads are spending time with their girlfriends. You know, taking their minds off the death. My problem is... Jools won't talk to me. She rejects my calls and locks her bedroom door when I go round to hers. Jools' mutti, Amy, says she took Gee's death really, really badly. I wish I could turn back time for her. To be honest, I wish I could slap Dave for what he's done to the Ace Gang. But, he's taking this worse than any of us.

Everyone's trying to act normally. I've heard that Jools frequently cries in German and Rosie bunks off far more than she used to.

12:00pm

Jas (or Radio Jas as Gee would call her) phoned.

"The funeral's in two days, or is it three, I mean... basically it's on the 26th. Try and tell Jools, I can't get hold of her. Please, you're only hope."

I'm going to try going round to Jools' house. Mission ein: Talk to Jools. Mission zwei: Tell her about the funeral. Mission drei: Get her to the church on the correct day at the correct time.

Easy Peasy.


	11. A New Kittykat Dave's POV

26th August 1:32pm

Mutti took me to the hospital to say my final goodbyes to Gee. In a way I'm relieved. At least Gee gets a proper send off.

I had my life planned out from the second I met her. We got married on a beach, had a little girl called Florence and lived in a huge flat in London. Kittykat would appear in a few of my sketches. I can't even think about being a comedian now. You don't realise how much you miss people until they're gone. I loved Kittykat so much, so much so that I can't bear it. She's moved on without me, gone to a new world, new people, new life. A new Hornmeister. I need to find a new Kittykat, but that will never be easy now that I only want Gee. I want a miracle to happen, something to mean I can communicate with Gee.


	12. Goodbye, Kittykat Dave's POV

And that's the moment when five soft fingers wrap around my thumb.

"Dave..." And the certain someone opens their eyes and speaks my name.

"She's alive!" I yell quickly. The Ace Gang and Barmy Army come bustling in.

"Look Dave, no offence but you're delirious. We all know she's not coming back, now get on with your goodbyes and let the rest of us say them too." Jools tries to put me down.

Doctor Dwerryhouse came into the argument. "I have to tell you, Ms. Barnes (A.N. That's my surname for Jools, I used RoRo's spare surname), that young David is correct. Ms. Nicolson isn't dead, we just have not told the friends yet because there was only a 5% chance of survival in the last three days. She is getting stronger and healthier and will be ready to go out again in a few days time. So sorry we didn't tell you." He finished and walked out again.

There was a little kerfuffle around Gee for about fifteen minutes, but when Sven declared that he was hungry they all went away. I stayed with Gee. One tear rolled down my cheek.

"Kittykat, my Kittykat, I... I thought I'd never see you again!" I said between sobs.

I love Kittykat so much, I'm never doing something so stupid to her ever again.

Maybe my life will turn out 'happily ever after'. I'll have the life I wished, my comedy, my family and, more importantly, my Kittykat.

I love you, Kittykat.


	13. I love them all Gee's POV

**4th September 7:00am**

I'm let out of the hospital today. I'm bloody glad, I was sick to death of the smell and sight of that place. Dave said I couldn't go and see Mutti, Vati or Bibbity. I don't know why.

I'm going back to Stalag 14 tomorrow. Apparently I have to borrow one of Jas's spare uniform. I never thought the day would come when I longed to here Miss Stamp (quarter lesbian, quarter maths teacher and quarter sports Oberführer) say  
"Right, girls! Into your sports knickers!".

Hopefully Hawkeye will be more sensitive now she knows how easy I am to push over the edge into suicide. I can only hope Miss Stamp doesn't give me a hug or offer me 'extra coaching'...

**One minute later**

Dave, Tom, Rollo, Sven, Dec, Ed, Jas, Jools, Rosie, Ellen and Dec came to collect me from the hospital. It was nice to be part of the ace gang again. It's made me realize how much I love them all, but mostly, Dave.

I love you, Hornmeister.


	14. Bloody hell! Gee's POV

**5th September 9:00am**

Good Sandra! I never thought the day would come when I compared Stalag 14 to Alton Towers. What is wrong with me?  
What's even creepier is when I walked through the door Hawkeye said,  
"Lovely to see you, Georgia." And gave the biggest smile I think she's ever given anyone. She practically bobbed a curtsey.  
Even Lindsay (!) said,  
"Here let me take your coat for you." And gave me a strained smile. Useless Stick Insect.  
Break  
It's like being bloody royalty! On the plus side, we have RE next and it will be hilarious seeing Miss Wilson try and be sensitive. The bob will not disappoint us.  
We had PE last. Unfortunately, Miss Stamp confirmed my worst fears and gave me a hug, while the ace gang were behind her making kissing faces. I gave them the evils.

**RE**

Miss Wilson has just enlightened our fragile minds with the fact that we have assembly last period instead of German. Her and Herr Kamyer are probably announcing the fact that their wedding is tomorrow and they're inviting everyone. That would be hilarious seeing the bridesmaids in corduroy. I said this to Jazzy Spazzy.  
"It would be quite funny, wouldn't it, Jazzy?  
"What?"  
Second to last period, also known as blodge.  
No one's actually listening to Miss Baldwin. We're deciding what this bloody assembly is about, now that we know the Foxwoods' lads are coming. It's cosmetics headquarters underneath our table. Even Jas is putting lipgloss on!

**The Dreaded Assembly**

We are having a talent competition! The ace gang and barmy army are deciding what to do. The girls want to sing 'You've got the love", the boys want to sing (!), 'She's so lovely' which immediately got a group awww from the girls and Dave wants me to do a duet with him, on 'Tied together with a smile'. I'm going to enter three times.  
1. With the girls singing 'You've got the love'.  
2. With Dave singing 'Tied together with a smile.  
3. And by myself singing... I know the suspense is killing you, but I ain't telling.  
It should be a laugh, if nothing else. Only one of my acts will get through to the final, and I'm kind of hoping that it will be the duet with Dave. Oh, and the competition is in December. I've got some serious practising to do.

**6:00pm**

Oh my god! I always knew Jools was minted, but I didn't quite know to the extent that she has three recording studios in her house! At least we've got a good space to practise. The girls started doing stupid vocal exercises, but I got straight into action, did professional warm ups and started singing to myself very quietly. I said to Jools,  
"Until you've finished pratting around, can I use the other studio?"  
"Yeah, course, here's the key." I luuuuurve Jools. In a non lezzie way.  
Thankfully, they're sound proof. I started singing my song to myself. Vair vair loudly.  
"Were lines that I couldn't change..."  
"For fuck's sake Gee!" Mabs yelled over the music. The backing track was vair vair loud. "We're ready to start!"  
"Cool." I said as I turned off the music.  
"WHAT?!" Mabs soon found she was bellowing in a silent room.  
"No need to shout." I said, walking into the room the ace gang were in.  
"Good singing, Gee." Rosie said, making me turn into a giant red loon.  
"Ta RoRo." I said.

**7:00pm**

Went home. After much arguing, we finally decided on singing one chorus each, apart from Mabs and Ellen who are going to do a duet because they're scaredy cats and won't do it on their own.  
I'm going to Dave's tomorrow to do some rehearsals with him. Apparently he's got his own recording studio.  
"Does everyone have a recording studio?" I asked him.  
"Nah, Kitten. It's just because Mutti's a singer."  
"What's your Mutti called?"  
"Taylor Swift."  
"What? Dave!" I said when I saw him laughing at my face.  
"Okay, Sex Kitten, Taylor's my sister. No joke!"

Bloody hell!

* * *

What do you think of Dave being related to Taylor? Sorry, it was just a random spur of the moment thing.

Please R&R...

I love you all...

RoRo the Viking xxoo


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